by Patrice London
Just itching to have that totally unnecessary cesarean? Here are some tips to help you get there! Here’s my version of some of the top ways to have an unnecessary cesarean.
11. Pick a caregiver, any caregiver! Better yet, choose a “lottery” practice where you get lots of different providers. That way when you go into labor, you won’t have a clue who’ll attend you thus increasing your chances of having one who couldn’t care less about what you thought you wanted for your birth. If you’re lucky, you’ll get one with very high epidural, episiotomy and cesarean rates. Cross your fingers!
10. Only take hospital sponsored childbirth classes! If you must take a class, go with the one the hospital provides. That way you’ll learn how to be a good patient and take what they give ya with a smile- after all, “you don’t know nothin’ bout birthin’ no baby!”
9. Stay away from doulas!! Hiring a doula can totally screw up your chances of getting that unnecesarean. You may end up with a shorter labor and mess around and have a completely unmedicated vaginal birth. You’ve been warned!!!
8. Agree to an induction! Don’t even ask if it’s medically necessary- it doesn’t matter. Lots of people like things a little “undercooked” right? Plus, your family members can’t wait to meet this new little one! Don’t deprive them of another day without that sweet wittle schnukums!
7. Go to the hospital as soon as you think labor has begun! Think your water has broken? Felt a small uncomfortable tinge in your lower back? Freak out and run, to the hospital! That way they can get a definite and early start on the cascade of interventions that are almost guaranteed to get you a ticket on the cesarean express! All aboard!
6. Say yes to Pitocin! Who ever figured out that this medication originally made for stomach ulcers would induce contractions in pregnant women is a genius! Not only does it make contractions stronger and longer, your body’s ability to produce oxytocin (which also provides endorphin-like relief along with contractions) is totally inhibited and you’ll be crawling the walls in no time (if you can find the strength). You’ll hurt so bad you’ll beg for an epidural and be that much closer to getting that unnecesarean!
5. Get an epidural! This is as important as getting pitocin. You want to be completely immobilized so that labor can have a chance at stalling. If this doesn’t work perhaps it can help you when it’s time to push. Everyone will scream, “Push!” because it’s “time” and you may not be able to cause you can’t feel a thing!
4. Get an amniotomy as soon as possible! What better way to be whisked away for that cesarean! The possibility of cord prolapse is increased and the dr can then “save” the baby and be a hero!
3. Don’t eat or drink during labor. Why nourish your body at a time like this? Nah! Starve yourself and the baby, that way you’ll tire quickly and easily. Remember the goal!
2. Accept a “failure to progress” diagnosis! Now come on, have a heart! Your provider needs to go home for dinner with friends and family. He/she shouldn’t have to wait until you finally decide to actually have this baby on your own. Really, that could take a long time!
1. Just ask! Don’t beat around the bush, just ask for one. You’ll be happy to know that a lot of doctors will happily make your wishes come true!
Disclaimer: One can pretty much come to the conclusion that I’m being completely and thoroughly sarcastic and don’t at all believe any of the above is the best way to safely give birth. Epidurals and episiotomies have their place but when used routinely, disastrous results can occur.
Please people, inform yourselves. Arm yourselves with knowledge!